Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
