this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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