I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
