Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Sorry about my life...
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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