Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
