she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
