I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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