Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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