i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
