I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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