its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
There's always time for handjobs
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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