remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
