I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
