Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
