Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
