Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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