So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Randomize
