I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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