Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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