There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
