Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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