i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
