Small penises have feelings too.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
