I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
there is puke in my bra ... again
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