Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
