as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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