Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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