Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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