just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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