I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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