Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
