just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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