It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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