If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
