weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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