Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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