So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
