so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
