I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
