Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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