My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
