I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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