Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Randomize
