9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
