Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Sorry about my life...
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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