47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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