Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
