Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
