i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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