i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize