never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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