i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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