She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
