its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Randomize
