I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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