Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
