the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
