marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
