If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
