U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Randomize
