When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
