I wish I only lived at night.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
