i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Dicks are not precious.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
